Will I fall apart before I feel better?
- Me on prednisone…. I took 21 pictures to get 1 decent one!
Good morning everyone! I woke up this morning feeling so incredibly awful. My joints are stiff, my muscles are sore, and I just have no energy. I am mentally exhausted as well as physically exhausted. Being sick is a full time job! It sucks the life out of you! It often times seems as if I will never ever feel better and will be stuck in this rut forever.
I’m just watching myself slowly fall apart and Social Security Disability could care less. How would they expect me to work in my condition? I wish for one day that the person deciding my case could walk a mile in my shoes. They would approve my case in an instant. Why is it that someone who has never met me and is looking at nothing more than documented medical records (very well documented) can decide if I am able to work or not? There should be a home visit requirement to see in person the effects that being sick has on those applying for disability.
I had lab work done last week and got a call yesterday from my friend Sharon, who is a nurse at my doctor’s office with my test results. I was so bummed out! Sharon told me that my C3 level had not changed and my C4 level had gotten worse. She gave me my other lab results, but I’m mostly interested in my C3 and C4 as those are the most determining factors in reducing my dosage of prednisone. Communication in the computer systems from my doctor stated that we would discuss another form of prednisone at my next doctor appointment, which is tomorrow.
All I keep thinking about now is that if this prednisone has not helped then what are the side effects of this other medication that my doctor may put me on be? He obviously is putting me on the best medication for me with as little side effects as possible, and all is trial and error. So is the next medication going to have even more side effects? I have already gained 50 pounds, and I swear 5 pounds of that has got to be body hair. I am now covered in pimples and am debating on whether or not to play connect the dots on my face and neck. My body feels weak and my muscles do not want to move. My energy has left me. Will this new medication make me feel worse?
I feel like I’m just watching myself slowly fall apart to the point of no return. I know that some day I will feel better and that I will have my body back, but it is so hard to keep reminding myself of that when all I see is destruction to my poor body. I feel so ugly and disfigured most of the time. I want to look like I used to look. Sometimes I even think that I would rather feel sick but look like my old self.
I put my life in my doctor and God’s hands and pray for the best. I have 2 girls who need me to be as healthy as possible and for them to see mommy sick is not a good thing. I take every day one step at a time, muster up as much happiness as I can before I even see them, and literally force the energy out of me so that they do not see my pain. The love my girls, my husband and the rest of my family give me is enough to keep me waking up each morning saying “I can do this today.”
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